you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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