When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
