I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize