why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize