If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
