How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
