My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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