It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
