ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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