Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize