Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
