He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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