what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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