don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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