Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
