Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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