I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
