I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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