Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
