There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
