The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
