seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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