Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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