what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
