just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i think i have two assholes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
