i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
