sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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