just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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