I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize