i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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