i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
