she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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