Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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