I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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