my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize