last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
