I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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