my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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