Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
