I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
