You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
