My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
