End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
