Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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