why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
