Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
