the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In other news, I just burned my penis
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
