Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
