i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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