I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
