i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize