dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize