just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
