mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
