Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
