I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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