I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
