she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
