I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
