my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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