Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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