Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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