i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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