I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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