Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
