ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
